ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
