he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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