in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
