Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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