One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
