I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize