dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
