never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
