I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
