Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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