somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
