I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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