Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
