i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize