I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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