WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
