Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
