She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
