3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
