the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
