We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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