Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
