Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
