Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
