Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
