Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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