I only kidnapped one of them. chill
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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