I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
