After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
...so i touched it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
