i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
