i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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