the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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