My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When are your genitals available?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
