I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
