wanna go halves on a baby?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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