Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
