if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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