there's paper in my vomit.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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