After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
