so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
