matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
