i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
