people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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