I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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