im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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