My liver just broke up with me...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
