Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
