Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
do nipples grow back?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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