So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
