I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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