Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
