ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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