dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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