Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize