Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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