I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize