saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize