I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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