Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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