to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
