hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
