I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
