you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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